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My £9.50 holiday is on tv this evening. That has to be the easiest thing I have ever post produced in my life. No Harding fails and no qc fails. No dead pixels and a very happy client. I needed a job like that.

I spent most of yesterday afternoon stuck in a spreadsheet working out my finances for the next few months and trying to give myself a realistic budget per week. I am going to live off £80 per week.

It's going to take a little getting used to but I need to break a few bad habits mainly the one where I walk through Westfield and buy a top or something and before I know it it's gone. I am not gonna suffer but I'll see where I end up.

Tomorrow I am making an appointment to see the naturopath as my body is pretty much hating everything I put in it at the moment and I think it's basically saying NO to everything good and bad. I need to detox and get everything moving again, painful bloated periods do not help matters.

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Panic

So It's my appraisal tomorrow so it's natural that my head is trying to plan every escape route known to man kind.

Tomorrow I will feel better they aren't going to hate me and I should get a pay rise then I can work out what I am gonna do over the next 6 months.

Right?

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I really don't like how today made me feel...

The editor and Series Producer that worked on Petrol age at Prime Focus have just started working on a new series, they aren't working on my project but the moment I saw them I felt all that self doubt and horrible feeling came back and forte rest of the day I felt flustered and couldn't get half of the things I wanted to get done sorted. What's wrong with me?

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Apr. 20th, 2013

Mum sent flowers to Maureen yesterday and she phoned to say thank you. It's a wired and horrible feeling that this may be the last conversation that you have with one another.

Cancer is a cruel and horrible disease that takes so many lives.

You are an amazing woman Mrs Maureen Copeland. Hang on in there!!!

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So much has happened over the last few weeks that I don't really know where to start.

Mum, Doug and I spent the day together yesterday. We went shopping and to have a Byron Burger, this may seem like a normal tho g but we haven't hung out the three of us in about 3 or so years. Why did this happen yesterday? Well a huge part of it has to do with the fact that Doug is currently 12 days clean. He is going to meeting and at the moment he is hanging on in there, he has surrendered and is this proud person who doesn't have an addiction, he is a person who is 23 years old and for the last 10 years and put a substance in his body to feed all of the hate, lack of confidence so he can 'feel better'.

I can't actually believe it happening, watching him and actually having a conversation with him. I have my little brother standing in front on me and I hope and pray that he has enough strength to continue.

In other news I am asking for a pay rise this week. It has to happen this week as it will by 11 months since I started and I can feel that little part of my brain that's saying but the people are so nice here, you don't want to leave? Well actually I want more money and we are about to get really busy again and I want to feel like I am working towards something.

What else... Oh yeah my Aunty sent a DVD of my Grandpa's 60th birthday, I was 15 months old and I was the youngest grand child and it was such a lovely thing to watch. It was so lovely to hear my Granny and Grandpa's voice again, something I never thought I would see.

Speaking of family we are extremely close to my Uncle Tim's mum and my uncle Paul's mum both of whom seem to be getting older and more fragile, mum told me thatAunty Charlotte had called to say that Maureen (Paul's mum) had been diagnosed with Bowel cancer. So this is really sad.

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Mini rant

I really don't like pms, I get restless and start planning an escape route.

Also the sooner my bother and his girlfriend move out the better.

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Stuff

I feel like a caterpillar at the moment. I worked very hard over the last few months to start to feel ready to do some of the things that scare the crap out of me.

I sometimes hate how impatient I am, I deserve to be happy so I need to stop putting all this pressure on myself and just hang on in there and remember how far I have come.

Been thinking about possibly re doing the Alpha course as I got loads from it but once the new year came I just put up this block to the one thing that was making sense to me. Okay I have more questions and ideas that when I started going last September. Why is it when I something makes me feel good I destroy it? I must remember that it's okay to be happy.

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So much for one person to do

These last few weeks at work have been mental and I am so fed up of not feeling very well it feels like I work ridiculous hours and have these clients that drive me metal. Emma and Rich have gone to Oz for a month which means we are down by two people and although I am doing lots and lots of work as a Junior I am expected to make sure I can do the adhoc stuff and help my colleagues.

At the moment I am working on...

Saints and Scroungers Series 4 30x Episodes
Dont get Don Get Dom Series 7 30x Episodes
Westminster Abbey - 1 More to Deliver
See You Next Monday - 1x Pilot
Bizzare ER 7 x Eps
Orange Blood - 1 x Corporate film
Twinkle Twinkle 1x 7min Film
Dom in the Sun 10 Eps
Embarrassing Bodies 1 more to go
Embarrassing Fat Bodies 10 more to go
The arabs for Al jazera 1x Film

On top of that i need to complete my reflexology course, i need to submit 3 projects before christmas. I plan on completing 2 tomorrow and then making a start on another and working out what else I need to do. Which is a lot week!!!

I am hoping that if i have to be in all three days over christmas then I will get my invoicing and scheduling done in one day and then do my reflexology work on another.

I have to hand everything in by 17th February.

The above freaks me out but I think i will just have to become a hermit over the next two months or i'll pop.

Need to go to sleep now

love to all


xxxx

Just a few thoughts

I can't believe we are coming home tomorrow and I am back to work on Thursday. Part of me is dreading going back to work and that hasn't happened in such a long time. I hope once Petrol Age is over I can get my confidence back and start enjoying it again because most of the time I do.

I want to get a routine going of not staying late, running and I'm going to do my reflexology course for me. I need to sort out my weight I would like to loose 3 stone and that's not gonna be easy but I'd like to at lead lost 1.5 by August as its Sam wedding and I would love to look fabulous but feel it as well.

I also want to go out more so Friday afterwork drinks, cinema and some dancing. It's now March and there is no excuse and yes I know I write this whilst sitting by my aunts pool in Dubai in the sunshine but these thins are important.

At brunch this morning all these wife's were saying just move out here, come and work here as though it's really easy and would be great. Okay yes it may be great but it's not as easy and half the time I don't think I want to be in tv forever but I would still like to travel.

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Lollipop trees

I cant sleep, I keep thinking about things and have that Sunday feeling which I have tried to avoid by watching fringe and not thinking about going to work tomorrow.

I've not had this feeling about work in such a longtime, infact I don't think I've had it whilst working at Prime Focus.

Someone once told me that to fix the things your worried about you go and see the tree at the bottom o the garden and if you find a lollipop then everything will be okay.

I would always find a lollipop so this is just another one of those times right?

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